My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
