Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize