I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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