She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
