White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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