well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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