beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
He? As in you personified your dick?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
