ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
