dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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