Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
So apparently I’m into choking now
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