Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Fuck appropriateness.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
