my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize