chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
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