Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
