I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
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