I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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