so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
