well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize