So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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