I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
