I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
