How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
