I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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