Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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