Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I can't turn off my feet"
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize