i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
