3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
My vagina just clenched in fear
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