I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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