I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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