he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
