Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
