Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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