The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
