Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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