I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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