Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
