He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
