Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
