just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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