My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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