Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
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