I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
