i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
