Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
