My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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