It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
