And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
