There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
