A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
