dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
