Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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