today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
