my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
