Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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