i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
