Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
