Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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